After two months of no post...a post!

Comrades, feast your eyes upon a post. Daniel's not writing this one...I am. Who am I? I'm Daniel's trusty law friend whom he invited to blog, since as of late we've had a whole lotta chicken nuggets and not much else. 

Daniel and I can occasionally be found at Training Table, sharing a plate of cheese fries, lamenting our respective lack of relationships and recent bad dates. (Him: late-night confrontations. Me: they guy who pulled out his bank statements.) We also talk about the places we should've gone to law school (Him: Minnesota or Buffalo. Me: UNLV or Miami.) We also talk about our general superiority to those around us.  (Mostly because they have better jobs and grades, and we're older.) At any rate, I like Daniel. I'm jealous of his height and illegal blue scooter. I think he's jealous that I get to go to Michigan all the time.

Final exams are but two weeks away, and the Class of 2010 is busy studying. (Or in my case, blogging and Facebooking.) For Daniel and I, these grades will likely determine whether we get summer jobs that pay $2000 a week or a month. Fantastic. Given that fact, I'm going to get back to studying. 

I know you're wondering why there is an unexplained llama on the page. I have a thing for funny llama pictures lately. It's natural stress relief: no matter what is going on, at least things aren't as bad as they must be for that guy.

Mystery?

This really doesn't concern any of you. I just needed to upload an important document.

Natural Law

I once wrote that I don't know if there is a master race, but if there is it's CBS's Amazing Race.

Nothing about that is true, but it still is in the better half of jokes I've ever made.

So much of our views of race are governed by natural law. In early America the majority thought some races where naturally inferior. More so we've taken to the notion that all people---all people---are created equal.

I like the direction we've moved. I have some other thoughts on natural law...

The other day my car was totally on empty, so I pulled up to a Maverick gas station. Do you know about Maverick? It's kind of outdoorsy extreme. An "I got friends in low places" kind of feel. I've been to Maverick's many times. A fine place for a hot dog or very large drink.

But this was the first time I had ever been to Maverick in a jacket and tie. I felt so weird. I clearly didn't belong. There is something about natural law in play there.

Next, this afternoon as I went into the bathroom I saw an attorney at my firm dash in right before me. No big deal. This would normally mean nothing more than an awkward hello in a moment usually personal. But here is the big deal: HE WAS HOLDING A CASE FILE.

A case file everyone in the office may use, handle, flip through, peruse, etc., in the coming days, weeks, months, maybe even years.

He just held it the whole time he was doing his thing. Not cool. Not okay.

I don't need a rule book to tell me that. It's natural law.

Disclaimer

Dear guys:

It's not going to get any funnier or better. Case in point, I've spent the past two days trying to think of other 70's artists whose name's sound like a food item. That's the bar I've been shooting for, and I'm not even hitting it.

Maybe I'll try again next week.

Identity Theft

Jim Crocheese.

International Law

Never going to get old...

Evolution of the Chicken McNugent

Law of Progress

I never said my blog would be worth it, only that it would be easy...

Evolution of the Chicken Nugent

Cowboy Law

I had no idea it'd been two weeks. Maybe five days, but not two weeks. And now I feel silly because I didn't really come here to make a real post--kind of walked through the dinner party on my way to the metaphorical fridge. I'm in my robe, not even wearing pants, and all I wanted was a coke.

Anyway, this is what I came for:

Loving Her Was Easier Than Anything (I'll Ever Do Again).

It's not funny. It's not that interesting. It doesn't have anything to do with law, other than copyright violation. I just can't get it out of my head.

So next time I see you, or write you, or text you, no matter what I have to say, I'm really singing this in my head.

Space Law

Back in the day I went to this:

It was a good banquet as far as law events go. I'm still slightly stunned and worried that the whole affair counted as continuing legal education, but why look a gift horse in the mouth? (I've looked all kinds of horses in the mouth, and the best thing you are likely to find is bits of apple.)

The distinguish guest covered many points of law. For instance, he touched on the controversial legal issue of how hard to you have to throw a baby at a nanny's breast to constitute sexual harassment (depends on the social utility of throwing the child compared to the damage done to the breasts--also, in some states it matters whether the throw was under or over handed).

Somewhere in the middle of the address, Mr. Bernsen touched upon the topic of space law. Law in space? Can you even imagine? Space is the new Old West. A place where the six-shooter would rule, if there was enough air to facilitate a gunpowder reaction. (Now you can see why lazers play so heavily in the future.)

Space law is a blank canvass, but here is the only rule you really need to know: Space is cold, lonely, and will break your heart.



Here we have a young, brash engineer (IT) with nothing to lose. Though incredibly vast, space requires great precision.


Space is complicated, and if you want to make sense out of it all, you're going to need old newspapers, scissors, a metric/imperial ruler, explosives, and an interested Jack Russell Terrier.


And then the day cames. Zero-hour.


I'm a rocket man.



This rocket is America's greatest hope. It's the Grizzler. Majestic and proud.



This rocket has an understated, noble kind of pride. It was named Martin Luther King Blvd.




MLK Blvd sits eager upon the launch pad.



If you want to launch a rocket, you're going to need a good electron beam and many AA-batteries.



Both the Grizzler and MLK Blvd violently, powerfully, sleekly, clawed their way into space, slapping earth's gravity, mocking fate.




However neither rocket was recovered. $40, a few hours, and two hearts never to return from space's icy clutch.

Pre-Nup

"...Oh yes, Bachelor #1, that does sound like a delicious ice cream Sunday." *Giggle* *Giggle*





"Bachelor #2, now think very carefully about this; if you had to describe yourself in one word, what would that word be?"


"Um... I, uh... Ugh..."





"Incredible?"

Notes

Allow me to be a little self-indulgent here.

Who doesn't love and enjoy John Mayer, right?

I think that might be my favorite thing I ever wrote on SOLB. I just think it's such an absurd assumed premise, and yet I'm sure there are many people who really feel that way. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to slam Mr. Mayer. He might be a great musician. I actually have no idea. But who would assume that everyone loves and enjoys his music?

It's nuts. And yet there are a few kids all around us --kids that blend in with all the rest of us-- who totally buy into it. Nuts.

I also have no idea why I thought of the premise of changing the name of the song, but I can't really think of anything more unflattering to have your body compared to than the Exxon Valdez, and particularly the Exxon Valdez disaster. (Tragic.) Except maybe for Flint, Michigan--that might be a worse to have your body compared to.

I also thought of the alternate title "Your Body Really Pleases the Furor."

I guess something about "wonder" really just makes me think of Nazis.

Sorry. Back to the blog.

Copyright

Who doesn't love and enjoy John Mayer, right?





But here is something about the singer/heart-throb you might have never guess. His original title for the hit song, "Your Body is a Wonderland" was actually "Your Body is an Exxon Valdez."





True story.

Futures

When I was a kid I thought cinematic visions of the future were exciting and I loved them. Flying cars. Hover-boards. Jet-packs. Ray-guns. Teleportation. I couldn't wait. It would honestly make me anxious--like on Christmas night, I would wish I could just fall asleep to get to the good stuff.










Now I think cinematic visions of the future are telling and silly, but I still love them. Flying cars? Hover-boards? Jet-packs? Ray-guns? The future seems really dangerous and if anything we are steadily moving towards a very safe and idiot-proof world, with soft rounded corners, better seat-belts, and helmets and pads.








Why do I bring this up? Because I realized the other day at the gym that there is a really common, plain thing in our lives that if people from 50 years ago could see they would think we were nearly an alien race--mad with technology.

Ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention to the best proof that the future is now. I give you the exercise ball:








There is no way that any of us saw this coming down the pipe. What a time to be alive...

Law of Averages

The other day I was in a break room with the whole office staff at my firm. We were eating birthday pie.

I noticed I was the only guy in the room with any facial hair. I don't think there are a lot of bearded attorneys.

Case in point: If you do a google image search for "attorney beard" it will first ask if you meant "attorney board," before going on to provide you with lots of clean-faced attorneys with the last name "Beard." Like this guy...





Classifications intrigue me. I found the other day that I like reversing Jeff Foxworthy's premise to make a kind of anti-humor--jokes that are funny to me precisely because they aren't really funny.

Without further ado:

You are unlikely to be a redneck if...

1. You work in high finance.
2. You are the Editor-in-Chief of Yale Law Review.
3. You have an expansive and well diversified portfolio.

It goes on endlessly, but it never really gets any better. Back to work.

Bum Law

Just some thoughts about bums...

This morning on the way to work I passed a bum who had way better hair than me. The whole shabby chic movement has really helped bum-style. He was also wearing the same blue canvas shoes that I've been so fond of wearing this summer. Freaking bums...





Next, since I started law school two things have happened: I have way less money, and I have to wear a suit and tie more often. I've worked downtown before. I once worked next to Temple Square, which is bum Mecca in Salt Lake City. People have been panhandling me for years and it's always gone a little like this--

Bum: Hey, can you spare any change?

Me: Sorry, man, I don't have any. (Pretty true, I seldom carry cash.)

Bum: Thanks, man. God bless.

Now it goes a little something like this--

Bum: Hey, can you spare any change?

Me in a suit and tie: Sorry, man, I don't have any. (More true now than ever--I neither have cash nor un-maxed credit.)

Bum: @%$! you.

A couple times I have thought about taking the bums aside and explaining my finances to them, but I don't think most of them would believe that they have way more money than I. It's true that I can get ridiculous amounts for school loans, but I bet I still eat more fire-warmed food and cans of beans than any of these guys. Freaking bums...

Rule Violation

Holy crap! Did any of you notice that the little Mario below has fire power? I'm pretty sure this was covered in St. John's Revelation...

Legal Internship

Leaving your first year of law school for the arms of an internship feels a lot like this:



Seven more castles and a flying fish board left to go...

Summer Reading--The Bard

Once I went to upstate New York.

See:



(Told you so.)

There is a great little bookstore in Palmyra right next to an awful little bookstore. The awful little bookstore is called Latter-day Harvest. It specializes in obnoxious LDS kitsch that would make old Moroni embarrassed to blow his trumpet.



(Told you so.)

But the store right next to it is a real nice store. I decided no matter what I was going to buy a book there just to spite the awful store next door.

I didn't have a lot of time, so I just got a generic English Literature book. It was $6. It is a beautiful maroon, textured hardcover. And it smells like most books ever.

I'm currently half-way through Macbeth. These quotes might not all make sense. I'm taking some of them out of the meter. But it's still poetic and charming as all get out.

Here are snippets for you:

(SPOILER WARNING)

Macbeth and Banquo are talking about how the witches accurately foretold Macbeth being named Thane of Cawdor.

Banquo... But 'tis strange.
And oftentimes to win us to our harm,
The instruments of darkness tell us truths,
Win us with honest trifles, to betray's
In deepest consequence.

After Duncan has been stabbed, Lady Macbeth tells Macbeth he needs to go back into the king's room and smear blood on the king's servants while they sleep...

Macbeth... I'll go no more.
I am afraid to think what I have done;
Look on't again I dare not.

Lady Macbeth... Infirm of purpose!
Give me the daggers. The sleeping and the dead
Are but as pictures; 'tis the eye of childhood
That fears a painted devil. If he do bleed,
I'll gild the faces of the grooms withal;
For it must seem their guilt

[Queen Exits. Knocking within.]

Macbeth... Whence is that knocking?
How is't with me, when every noise appals me?
What hands are here? Ha! they pluck out mine eyes.
Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood
Clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather
The multitudinous seas incarnadine,
Making the green, one red.

[Queen enters. More dialogue.]

Macbeth. To know my deed, 't were best not know myself.


Not bad, right?

Summer Reading---Langston Hughes

I'm not really doing law school stuff right now. But I am still reading a lot. If you'll pardon me, I'm just going to post the best stuff I'm coming across.

I picked up Don't Turn Back yesterday because I wanted something pleasant to read in the bath tub. I bought this book for $12 in Logan, UT. I love it.

Poems by Langston Hughes selected by Lee Bennett Hopkins, with incredible woodcuts by Ann Grifalconi. My copy was in the Rose Park Library for decades, so it smells like every book ever. Looking through this it is very tactile. Again, I love it.

You can borrow it, if you want. But you have to sign out for it. And you have to love it.


Don't be afraid to read these out loud (rol) when no one is around your cubicle...


The Negro Speaks of Rivers

I've known rivers:
I've known rivers ancient as the world and older than the
__flow of human blood in human veins.

My soul has grown deep like the rivers.

I bathed in the Euphrates when dawns were young.
I built my hut near the Congo and it lulled me to sleep.
I looked upon the Nile and raised the pyramids above it.
I heard the singing of the Mississippi when Abe Lincoln
__went down to New Orleans, and I've seen its muddy
__bosom turn all golden in the sunset.

I've known rivers:
Ancient, dusky rivers.

My soul has grown deep like the rivers.




This isn't one of my favorites from the book, but I had to pick another poem with a woodcut so you could see how great they are...


Troubled Woman

She stand
In the quiet darkness,
This troubled woman
Bowed by
Weariness and pain
Like an
Autumn flower
In the frozen rain,
Like a
Wind-blown autumn flower
That never lifts its head
Again.




Poem

I loved my friend.
He went away from me.
There is nothing more to say.
The poem ends,
Soft as it began--
I loved my friend.


Mother to Son

Well, son, I'll tell you :
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor---
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it kinder hard.
Don't you fall now---
for I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

1L--Interpretive Photo Essay

So you want to go to law school? Sounds great.

LAW!

JUSTICE!

HONOR!

TRUTH!

You know there will be challenges. You know it will be costly. But just think of how much you'll get back on the other side, right?

You'd be a fool not to go to law school. Just like you'd be a fool not to get five chili cheese dogs for $5...


Just look. So much opportunity. So much promise. It's all ahead of you and the world is your oyster.


Hey, this is great! I'm a pretty big shot. Looks a little complicated, but I can handle this...


Dear heavens, that is a lot of chili dog... But it's still fun, right? Hey, I get to dress up today. I'm a regular Alley McBeal.



This is probably too much chili dog.


This is about where I really hit the wall. I began to question my faith. How could a loving supreme being allow this?... And should I die before this journey's through, happy day; all is well...



I finished. For now. But was it worth it?


Man, I really hate myself...

Fin.

Theft

I wanted to post a dramatic photo essay that would be my artistic interpretation of law school. But I can't find my camera-to-computer cord. I'm guessing whoever stole it couldn't handle the raw truth of my art.

Or it could be somewhere in my filthy house.

Instead of posting, I'll go try to find that cord...

Witnesses

Sorry. I am once again derelict. Finals again.

But in a show a good faith, I will share three observations:

1. Kids who speak Spanish are nth times cuter than kids who speak English.

2. The nice thing about getting married when you are older is that no one is going to decorate your car.

3. People who think they are free thinkers love quoting musicians.

Laws of Life

I was reflecting the other day on some of the things I've learned from television and motion pictures.

These observations are scant, but I don't have the time for much else...

1. If your dad is in the military, he does not want you to be in a band. Also, being shipped off to "the academy" against your will is a constant threat.

2. Terrorists and Russians have no defense against teens with firearm/computer training.

3. People in New York constantly honk their horns just for the sake of honking their horns--even right outside of the Law and Order courtroom.

Tax Law

Tax Day has come and gone. Taxes? Am I right?

Don't get me started...

If I knew anything about tax law, I could probably get a job. Fact of the matter is I'm not too clear on tax law or any other "___________ law," but I do know quite a bit about the history of the IRS.

It all starts with this man.



In an effort to thwart the Nazi's, the Allied Forces poured millions and millions of dollars into defense technology. Among their many achievements wast the Mobile Tactical Defense Unit, or "Mt. Du" as it was secretly known.



Only three were built. The first two were dropped over Japan, and the last one was stored in the Nevada Desert. Scarcity breads demand, and the price for the remaining Mt. Du sky-rocketed.

The richest men in the world gathered for bidding.



Roosevelt had recently spent all his money on new spinners and was, in his own words, "totally tapped."



He asked his father, a plate of Teddy Roosevelt, for a forward on his allowance, but was denied.



If Roosevelt did not get his air trampoline, he knew it would fall into the hands of the Russians.

The only solution? An income tax.

And the IRS was born.

Laws of Physics

The nice thing about suspenders is they keep your pants from falling down and your shirt from flying up.



You wish, belt.

Happy tax day.

Dispute Resolution

As a good friend commented, "[I] suck at blogging lately."

It's true. I am without defense. I tried taking law school seriously for a semester... I'm not sure that I learned anymore, and I feel more petty, jealous, and discontent.

So today I give a peace offering--my notice to the world that I suck at blogging and at being a law student, but maybe a day will come when we can all still somehow get along.










Hasten the day...