Legal Advise

Halloween is fast approaching us. Now I'm no expert, but I've enjoyed many a Halloween in my life and have given some considerable thought to the art of celebrating All Hallows Eve well.

Here is some advice:

1. Scrubs and scrubs alone is not an adequate costume.



Please show some respect for the rest of us. Boys, if you are going to be a doctor, wear scrubs if you'd like, but is it asking too much to through in a lab coat, a stethoscope, or one of those old-timey head bands with the round shiny deal?



Girls, if you want to be a nurse please consider involving a skirt and being button cute.



Don't think you can pull off button cute? Well, don't fret. Even the sub-cute girl can still be a nurse for Halloween. You'll just have to be a crazy nurse.



(As a side note, "Crazy _______," "Evil ________," "Mad ________," or Deranged _______" are all good costume ideas for the more homely of face.)

2. Joke costumes can be a hit, but like any comic device, they should be used sparingly and with great caution.



Wearing a "funny costume" to a party is like committing to retelling the same joke for three hours straight. If joke costume you must, make a joke the rest of us can live with for an evening.



Be creative. Express yourself. Have fun. But don't get too carried away, especially if you are attending a party where coworkers, esteemed peers, or women you are interested in courting are present.



3. Finally, and it bothers me that I even have to mention this, make sure you give out an appropriate trick in an appropriate way.



This is an area in Halloween where creativity is NOT encouraged. Just give out candy. And, unless you're really poor, try and steer away from those five pound bads full of awful gum and fake tootsie rolls.



But just making sure you give out something kids will want to eat isn't your only responsibility. Make sure you're not too creepy when you're giving it out.

For instance, this year I plan on being Magnum P.I. for Halloween. However, I've exercised discretion enough to know that wearing my shorty-short shorts and sporting a mustache while the neighborhood children all come to my door crosses a line.



In review, show some respect for the rest of us. Be safe. Have fun.

Concession

You've won this round, Brandon Bird...

Negliegence

Yesterday I didn't go to any school at all. Today I went to one class. It started at 1:15 and I was late because I slept in too long.

I've really been letting things slide lately.

I was going to make a post with pictures and events from my own life, but since I've been slacking so much I just don't have the time at present.

So instead I am going to steal someone else's work. Enjoy.



(Painting and drawing by Brandon Bird--www.brandonbird.com)

Ethics

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap?

Before you answer hastily, "The bucket," please stop to consider that Abraham Lincoln was a lawyer.

Therefore, think carefully. Do you really want to defame the Great Emancipator?

Let's not let some bad apples spoil the whole bunch. After all, the law can be a noble profession.

Just listen to Honest Abe:

Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to them how the nominal winner is often a real loser -- in fees, expenses, and waste of time. As a peacemaker the lawyer has a superior opportunity of being a good man. There will still be business enough.

And of those who refuse to use their opportunity to be a good man? Abe has more advice:

Let no young man choosing the law for a calling for a moment yield to the popular belief -- resolve to be honest at all events; and if in your own judgment you cannot be an honest lawyer, resolve to be honest without being a lawyer.

So let's all give into the better angels of our nature. Don't be so quick to stereotype.

And let him who dares to defame the Great Emancipator beware!







Succeed at your own risk.

Civil Dispute

HEAVYWEIGHT FIGHTER SUES VIDEO GAME CHARACTER

Reno, NV.--Early this morning boxer and mixed martial arts fighter Eric "Butterbean" Esch filled papers in 9th District Federal Court suing King Hippo for $10 million in damages. The 41 year-old fighter and former IBA, WAA, and NABC heavyweight champion of the world, claims his "likeness, character, identity, and image" were "unfairly stolen" without his consent or compensation.

Eric "Butterbean" Esch

"It's a straightforward case," said Larry Smelding, attorney for Butterbean. "Only a blind jury wouldn't find in favor of my client. If this guy thinks he can steal my client's identity and get away with it just because he is royalty, then he is about to get a wake up call."


King Hippo, from Hippo Island in the South Pacific, made his debut in professional boxing's Major Circuit in the 1987 video game Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! The animated character has a record of 18-9, with 18 wins coming by knock out, and is ranked #2 in his league.


When reached for comment King Hippo only replied, "Do you like my new trunks? They are size XXX Large! Ha Ha Ha!"

In a telephone interview granted against counsel's advice, Butterbean said he respects "what King Hippo does in the ring," but that the King "needs to make his own image, quit riding on [Butterbean's] coat tails, and stop giving away all my secrets."
King Hippo

It is about these "secrets" that the crux of the complaint lies.

Though Butterbean refused to elaborate on the specifics of these secrets only stating that they were of an extremely "embarrassing and damaging" nature, many professional boxing insiders believe that just like king Hippo, if you punch Butterbean in the mouth while he is yapping, it causes a reaction wherein his trunks fall down.

"I've never seen anything like it," said George Linberger, who stripped Butterbean of the NABC title in 2005. "When I fought [Butterbean] in 2000 he destroyed me. I never wanted to fight him again. Then I started playing Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! with a buddy. I noticed how King Hippo and Butterbean looked a lot alike, then my buddy showed me how if you hit King Hippo in the mouth, his pants fall down. When he goes to pull up his pants, you can hit him right in the gut again and again. Pretty soon, [King Hippo] just falls down. I started training again, jumping rope, sparing, and playing Nintendo. Sure enough, next time I got in the ring with Butterbean, [I] hit him right in the mouth, his pants fell down, and next thing I know they're given me the NABC belt."

But boxing insiders aren't the only ones who find the this lawsuit interesting.

"There is a real legal question here," said Sally Haskins, a professor teaching Civil Procedure at UNLV. "To date no one has really satisfied the issue of whether or not you can sue a video game character." Asked if she thought Butterbean had a chance of winning his case Ms. Haskins replied, "Oh, heavens no! But it's an interesting idea."

Larry Smelding explained the decision to file against King Hippo himself and not against Nintendo, a multinational corporation with over $7.8 billion in revenue in 2006, as something his client "felt adamant about."

"It just makes sense," Butterbean said in his interview. "For one thing King Hippo is a king. He's probably got a real nice palace, like a gold crown, some jewels, and stuff. I win against Nintendo and what are they gonna give me? Video games? I don't want video games. I want chests full of gold."

The aging fighter went on to further explain his decision: "Besides, I don't even look nothing like a Nintendo. What am I going to do? Sue a little plastic box for stealing my identity?"

Executives for Nintendo refused to comment on this story, but wanted to ensure loyal and perspective customers that regardless of any pending litigation against one of the company's characters, "Nintendo will continue to provide premium fun-time for honored consumer group."

(Disclaimer: this is a fictional story.)

Brief Recess

I have a professor, lets call him Stephen King, that has an amazing proclivity for two things: sexual harassment and giving law school advice.

I enjoy both, though I've never taken either very serious or been a direct target for one or the other.

You want examples? I'll give you examples.

Example A: Sexual Harassment

While introducing the teaching assistants to the course he had a number of them step forward--mostly women. He then pointed out that these were the teaching assistants good looking enough to have sex with, but if we felt so inclined, we should keep it a secret or wait until after the semester is over.

Example B: Giving Advice

Professor King to class: You have a weekend coming up. I know a lot of you are going to be tempted to spend it with your noses in a book, but let me remind you that law school is a marathon, not a sprint. Go out this weekend. Get drunk Friday and Saturday night. Pick up some girl at a bar and have all the sex you want.

I'm no party animal. I'm not even a party virus or vegetable. I've never known the pleasures of woman or drink. But does that mean I don't crave adventure?...

Please.



As you can clearly see I'm am up for adventures of all sorts of ethnicities.

It was a cold and rainy night. Our journey was long and the way was fraught with signs of danger.





We became lost deep in the Mayan tomb. Our resident Geologist tries to reconnoiter our surroundings. Elin stays optimistic, but she does not know that seven Mayan ghosts wait around the corner to scaled her with boiling hot water.



Just when all seems lost we finally reach the South Passage.



A frightened and confused waiter takes our order. My flash photography seems to strike fear into his heart, and he bows in my presence for the rest of the evening. And yet the laser light show I later witnessed did not seem to phase him at all. They are a mysterious people.



The kitchen runs out of mix for strawberry daiquiris. Before a mêlée erupts our waiter, Pacumeni, makes an announcement and tries establishes order.



Sadly, despite Pacumeni's best attempts, things deteriorated very quickly. We gave the staff small pox. They gave us indigestion.

The adventure sat like a brick in my stomach for days. I may yet bear the scars.

P.S. Speaking of scars, my fingers are healing nicely.

Exhibit A

It would seem, Mr. Clemens, a.k.a. Mr. Twain, that the reports of your death were not so exaggerated after all...

Fall Break

Shhhh!



October 8, 2007 to October 12, 2007.

Environmental Law

We all love the environment, right?

I consider myself close to nature. I can talk to dogs, horses, goats, and smarter cattle. I've run naked with a heard of wild dear and availed myself of many a body of water. I've completed long hikes barefoot, sucked water out of a cactus, and gone weeks without a shower. I didn't even water my "lawn" once this summer.

Sure, I like the environment.

But I don't know how I feel about this...

Ghosts of Law School's Past

I have a good friend that I live with. Let's call him Dick Francis.

There are many things to love about Dick, but two things seem worth mentioning at this point.

1. Dick has a distinguished proclivity for being creepy.
2. Dick loves to fantasize about different phases of his life through the medium of clothing and outfits.

Case in point: Dick Being Creepy

Dick and I once spent a great halloween party duct-taped together, wearing the same pair of pants, posing as conjoined twins. We made a lot of people semi to really uncomfortable that night through the use of bad pick-up lines, aggressive dancing, and an incident where the bathroom door should have been locked. Dick got to creep out a fair amount of people and he loved it.

Case in point: Dick Fantasizing About Outfits

After graduation from college Dick and I were both going to take a year off before law school. We needed jobs. I learned of a teacher shortage and a loophole wherein some applicants could start teaching without certification. Dick and I decided we needed to be high school teachers. Dick was beside himself with the joy of imagining himself showing up to work everyday in a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches. It was some of the most sincere excitement I've ever seen surrounding a piece of clothing (and a piece of clothing not even purchased yet).

That was then. That was back in the glory days.

Dick still has those qualities, but fate was cruel to him.

We were both admitted to the same law school. We both accepted admission. Then a complete jerk (opinion), let's call him Dean Complete Jerk (opinion), kicked Dick out of the law school based on a technicality. Plain and simple it was a numbers issue. (When law schools say they don't care about numbers, they care about people, they mean they care about people with great numbers... also, they mean that they are total tools...)

So here I am at law school without Mr. Francis. I wish he was here.

I like to think that his ghost--the spirit of Dick that made it into law school--walks the halls here and appreciates the absurdly lawyerish outfits and the ghosts of creepy men passed by that also haunt these halls.

Regarding these other outfits and ghosts, I've taken some pictures of full-sized or larger oil portraits that hang here in the college of law. Enjoy. And happy haunting.







Dick would have loved these paintings. I hope he is here to love them next year.

Personal Injury

I'm not sitting around in class all the time. I have a life. I have cool friends.

Case in point, two of my cool friend came over on Friday night to play darts and Super Nintendo.







These two friends--lets call them Tom Clancy and Michael Crichton--have had some epoch battles at my house. They reenacted the Civil War for three hours in my basement on one of the best nights of my life. They fought out many epic Tecmo Bowl battles. They have even engaged in archery in my back yard--a contest that may or may not have killed my neighbors dog. But this was the first night for darts.

Michael Crichton was doing just fine until Tom Clancy cast an evil spell on him.



Crichton's fate was not pretty. Poof! In the blink of an eye he was turned into this guy, riding public transportation alone.



Tom Clancy went on to win and become the household champion. You kind of have to feel bad for Crichton, but that's what you get for challenging a wizard to a parlor game.

Tom's spell wore off in a hour or two and despite a few near misses and at least a pints worth of horse play, no one was seriously or permanently hurt.

But my time out of class isn't all play...

Saturday morning it was time to work.

I've been meaning to landscape my yard and put in a lawn for approximately 10 months. Unfortunately there are just too many other things to do that are much easier. But to every man there comes a time when he must gird up his loins and go to work. I got an early start because a storm was coming in and I wanted to get as much done as possible before the sleet and rain. Also, it's worth pointing out that for the past six weeks I have simple not been able to sleep for more than 5-6 hours a night.

Before I show the next pictures, let's recap:
1. Playing darts and messing around with dudes until 2:30 AM.
2. Slept for 5.5 hours for the fortieth day in a row.
3. Up at 8:00 AM to use dangerous power equipment in the yard.
4. Storm is coming in.

Results?







It would seem I cut two of my fingers with a chainsaw. Not ideal.

As a student I have no medical insurance. So my first reaction is to "take care" of the problem myself the best I know how--clean the suckers out in the sink, wrap a clean t-shirt around the affected fingers as tight as I can, and then wrap that up in a hefty wad of medical tape. Problem solved.

I went back into the yard and kept working until about 11:30. My brother showed up to help right about the time I was finishing with the medical tape wad.

He's old. He has a job. He makes money at his job. After a discussion about whether or not we could sew the finger up ourselves, he took me to the hospital because he's nice.

But it gets better...

While we were waiting for the doctor to come back to the examination room, my brother was sitting in the chair closest to the door. Doctor confidently enters the room. Swings the door wide. Hits brother in the shoulder with door. Brother grabs shoulder and says, "Ow!"

"Hello, Tort. Fancy meeting you in a rich doctor's office."

What a good weekend. And I owe it all to my brother... no not just my brother... My Hero