School of Law

Higher Law

2009-06-30T14:05:00.003-06:00

Writing legal jokes was getting kind of boring. Blogs lose their appeal so quickly for me.

Now I mix legal jokes with legal observations. It will keep me entertained for about three more months over here.

After two months of no post...a post!

2008-12-02T16:09:00.010-07:00

Comrades, feast your eyes upon a post. Daniel's not writing this one...I am. Who am I? I'm Daniel's trusty law friend whom he invited to blog, since as of late we've had a whole lotta chicken nuggets and not much else.

Daniel and I can occasionally be found at Training Table, sharing a plate of cheese fries, lamenting our respective lack of relationships and recent bad dates. (Him: late-night confrontations. Me: they guy who pulled out his bank statements.) We also talk about the places we should've gone to law school (Him: Minnesota or Buffalo. Me: UNLV or Miami.) We also talk about our general superiority to those around us. (Mostly because they have better jobs and grades, and we're older.) At any rate, I like Daniel. I'm jealous of his height and illegal blue scooter. I think he's jealous that I get to go to Michigan all the time.

Final exams are but two weeks away, and the Class of 2010 is busy studying. (Or in my case, blogging and Facebooking.) For Daniel and I, these grades will likely determine whether we get summer jobs that pay $2000 a week or a month. Fantastic. Given that fact, I'm going to get back to studying.

I know you're wondering why there is an unexplained llama on the page. I have a thing for funny llama pictures lately. It's natural stress relief: no matter what is going on, at least things aren't as bad as they must be for that guy.

Mystery?

2008-09-25T15:11:00.004-06:00

This really doesn't concern any of you. I just needed to upload an important document.

Natural Law

2008-07-02T18:56:00.003-06:00

I once wrote that I don't know if there is a master race, but if there is it's CBS's Amazing Race.

Nothing about that is true, but it still is in the better half of jokes I've ever made.

So much of our views of race are governed by natural law. In early America the majority thought some races where naturally inferior. More so we've taken to the notion that all people---all people---are created equal.

I like the direction we've moved. I have some other thoughts on natural law...

The other day my car was totally on empty, so I pulled up to a Maverick gas station. Do you know about Maverick? It's kind of outdoorsy extreme. An "I got friends in low places" kind of feel. I've been to Maverick's many times. A fine place for a hot dog or very large drink.

But this was the first time I had ever been to Maverick in a jacket and tie. I felt so weird. I clearly didn't belong. There is something about natural law in play there.

Next, this afternoon as I went into the bathroom I saw an attorney at my firm dash in right before me. No big deal. This would normally mean nothing more than an awkward hello in a moment usually personal. But here is the big deal: HE WAS HOLDING A CASE FILE.

A case file everyone in the office may use, handle, flip through, peruse, etc., in the coming days, weeks, months, maybe even years.

He just held it the whole time he was doing his thing. Not cool. Not okay.

I don't need a rule book to tell me that. It's natural law.

Disclaimer

2008-06-20T11:18:00.002-06:00

Dear guys:

It's not going to get any funnier or better. Case in point, I've spent the past two days trying to think of other 70's artists whose name's sound like a food item. That's the bar I've been shooting for, and I'm not even hitting it.

Maybe I'll try again next week.

Identity Theft

2008-06-18T09:30:00.002-06:00

Jim Crocheese.

International Law

2008-06-17T16:13:00.002-06:00

Never going to get old...

Evolution of the Chicken McNugent

Law of Progress

2008-06-17T11:29:00.004-06:00

I never said my blog would be worth it, only that it would be easy...

Evolution of the Chicken Nugent

Cowboy Law

2008-06-06T18:50:00.002-06:00

I had no idea it'd been two weeks. Maybe five days, but not two weeks. And now I feel silly because I didn't really come here to make a real post--kind of walked through the dinner party on my way to the metaphorical fridge. I'm in my robe, not even wearing pants, and all I wanted was a coke.

Anyway, this is what I came for:

Loving Her Was Easier Than Anything (I'll Ever Do Again).

It's not funny. It's not that interesting. It doesn't have anything to do with law, other than copyright violation. I just can't get it out of my head.

So next time I see you, or write you, or text you, no matter what I have to say, I'm really singing this in my head.

Space Law

2008-05-23T12:31:00.006-06:00

Back in the day I went to this:

It was a good banquet as far as law events go. I'm still slightly stunned and worried that the whole affair counted as continuing legal education, but why look a gift horse in the mouth? (I've looked all kinds of horses in the mouth, and the best thing you are likely to find is bits of apple.)

The distinguish guest covered many points of law. For instance, he touched on the controversial legal issue of how hard to you have to throw a baby at a nanny's breast to constitute sexual harassment (depends on the social utility of throwing the child compared to the damage done to the breasts--also, in some states it matters whether the throw was under or over handed).

Somewhere in the middle of the address, Mr. Bernsen touched upon the topic of space law. Law in space? Can you even imagine? Space is the new Old West. A place where the six-shooter would rule, if there was enough air to facilitate a gunpowder reaction. (Now you can see why lazers play so heavily in the future.)

Space law is a blank canvass, but here is the only rule you really need to know: Space is cold, lonely, and will break your heart.

Here we have a young, brash engineer (IT) with nothing to lose. Though incredibly vast, space requires great precision.

Space is complicated, and if you want to make sense out of it all, you're going to need old newspapers, scissors, a metric/imperial ruler, explosives, and an interested Jack Russell Terrier.

And then the day cames. Zero-hour.

I'm a rocket man.

This rocket is America's greatest hope. It's the Grizzler. Majestic and proud.

This rocket has an understated, noble kind of pride. It was named Martin Luther King Blvd.

MLK Blvd sits eager upon the launch pad.

If you want to launch a rocket, you're going to need a good electron beam and many AA-batteries.

Both the Grizzler and MLK Blvd violently, powerfully, sleekly, clawed their way into space, slapping earth's gravity, mocking fate.

However neither rocket was recovered. $40, a few hours, and two hearts never to return from space's icy clutch.

Pre-Nup

2008-05-20T10:01:00.003-06:00

"...Oh yes, Bachelor #1, that does sound like a delicious ice cream Sunday." *Giggle* *Giggle*

"Bachelor #2, now think very carefully about this; if you had to describe yourself in one word, what would that word be?"

"Um... I, uh... Ugh..."

"Incredible?"

Notes

2008-05-20T09:49:00.003-06:00

Allow me to be a little self-indulgent here.

Who doesn't love and enjoy John Mayer, right?

I think that might be my favorite thing I ever wrote on SOLB. I just think it's such an absurd assumed premise, and yet I'm sure there are many people who really feel that way. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to slam Mr. Mayer. He might be a great musician. I actually have no idea. But who would assume that everyone loves and enjoys his music?

It's nuts. And yet there are a few kids all around us --kids that blend in with all the rest of us-- who totally buy into it. Nuts.

I also have no idea why I thought of the premise of changing the name of the song, but I can't really think of anything more unflattering to have your body compared to than the Exxon Valdez, and particularly the Exxon Valdez disaster. (Tragic.) Except maybe for Flint, Michigan--that might be a worse to have your body compared to.

I also thought of the alternate title "Your Body Really Pleases the Furor."

I guess something about "wonder" really just makes me think of Nazis.

Sorry. Back to the blog.

Copyright

2008-05-19T12:27:00.003-06:00

Who doesn't love and enjoy John Mayer, right?

But here is something about the singer/heart-throb you might have never guess. His original title for the hit song, "Your Body is a Wonderland" was actually "Your Body is an Exxon Valdez."

True story.

Futures

2008-05-18T12:50:00.003-06:00

When I was a kid I thought cinematic visions of the future were exciting and I loved them. Flying cars. Hover-boards. Jet-packs. Ray-guns. Teleportation. I couldn't wait. It would honestly make me anxious--like on Christmas night, I would wish I could just fall asleep to get to the good stuff.

Now I think cinematic visions of the future are telling and silly, but I still love them. Flying cars? Hover-boards? Jet-packs? Ray-guns? The future seems really dangerous and if anything we are steadily moving towards a very safe and idiot-proof world, with soft rounded corners, better seat-belts, and helmets and pads.

Why do I bring this up? Because I realized the other day at the gym that there is a really common, plain thing in our lives that if people from 50 years ago could see they would think we were nearly an alien race--mad with technology.

Ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention to the best proof that the future is now. I give you the exercise ball:

There is no way that any of us saw this coming down the pipe. What a time to be alive...

Law of Averages

2008-05-16T12:42:00.003-06:00

The other day I was in a break room with the whole office staff at my firm. We were eating birthday pie.

I noticed I was the only guy in the room with any facial hair. I don't think there are a lot of bearded attorneys.

Case in point: If you do a google image search for "attorney beard" it will first ask if you meant "attorney board," before going on to provide you with lots of clean-faced attorneys with the last name "Beard." Like this guy...

Classifications intrigue me. I found the other day that I like reversing Jeff Foxworthy's premise to make a kind of anti-humor--jokes that are funny to me precisely because they aren't really funny.

Without further ado:

You are unlikely to be a redneck if...

1. You work in high finance.
2. You are the Editor-in-Chief of Yale Law Review.
3. You have an expansive and well diversified portfolio.

It goes on endlessly, but it never really gets any better. Back to work.

Bum Law

2008-05-15T08:19:00.003-06:00

Just some thoughts about bums...

This morning on the way to work I passed a bum who had way better hair than me. The whole shabby chic movement has really helped bum-style. He was also wearing the same blue canvas shoes that I've been so fond of wearing this summer. Freaking bums...

Next, since I started law school two things have happened: I have way less money, and I have to wear a suit and tie more often. I've worked downtown before. I once worked next to Temple Square, which is bum Mecca in Salt Lake City. People have been panhandling me for years and it's always gone a little like this--

Bum: Hey, can you spare any change?

Me: Sorry, man, I don't have any. (Pretty true, I seldom carry cash.)

Bum: Thanks, man. God bless.

Now it goes a little something like this--

Bum: Hey, can you spare any change?

Me in a suit and tie: Sorry, man, I don't have any. (More true now than ever--I neither have cash nor un-maxed credit.)

Bum: @%$! you.

A couple times I have thought about taking the bums aside and explaining my finances to them, but I don't think most of them would believe that they have way more money than I. It's true that I can get ridiculous amounts for school loans, but I bet I still eat more fire-warmed food and cans of beans than any of these guys. Freaking bums...

Rule Violation

2008-05-14T12:46:00.003-06:00

Holy crap! Did any of you notice that the little Mario below has fire power? I'm pretty sure this was covered in St. John's Revelation...

Legal Internship

2008-05-14T12:43:00.002-06:00

Leaving your first year of law school for the arms of an internship feels a lot like this:

Seven more castles and a flying fish board left to go...

Summer Reading--The Bard

2008-05-08T17:34:00.005-06:00

Once I went to upstate New York.

See:

(Told you so.)

There is a great little bookstore in Palmyra right next to an awful little bookstore. The awful little bookstore is called Latter-day Harvest. It specializes in obnoxious LDS kitsch that would make old Moroni embarrassed to blow his trumpet.

(Told you so.)

But the store right next to it is a real nice store. I decided no matter what I was going to buy a book there just to spite the awful store next door.

I didn't have a lot of time, so I just got a generic English Literature book. It was $6. It is a beautiful maroon, textured hardcover. And it smells like most books ever.

I'm currently half-way through Macbeth. These quotes might not all make sense. I'm taking some of them out of the meter. But it's still poetic and charming as all get out.

Here are snippets for you:

(SPOILER WARNING)

Macbeth and Banquo are talking about how the witches accurately foretold Macbeth being named Thane of Cawdor.

Banquo... But 'tis strange.
And oftentimes to win us to our harm,
The instruments of darkness tell us truths,
Win us with honest trifles, to betray's
In deepest consequence.

After Duncan has been stabbed, Lady Macbeth tells Macbeth he needs to go back into the king's room and smear blood on the king's servants while they sleep...

Macbeth... I'll go no more.
I am afraid to think what I have done;
Look on't again I dare not.

Lady Macbeth... Infirm of purpose!
Give me the daggers. The sleeping and the dead
Are but as pictures; 'tis the eye of childhood
That fears a painted devil. If he do bleed,
I'll gild the faces of the grooms withal;
For it must seem their guilt

[Queen Exits. Knocking within.]

Macbeth... Whence is that knocking?
How is't with me, when every noise appals me?
What hands are here? Ha! they pluck out mine eyes.
Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood
Clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather
The multitudinous seas incarnadine,
Making the green, one red.

[Queen enters. More dialogue.]

Macbeth. To know my deed, 't were best not know myself.

Not bad, right?

Summer Reading---Langston Hughes

2008-05-05T14:11:00.008-06:00

I'm not really doing law school stuff right now. But I am still reading a lot. If you'll pardon me, I'm just going to post the best stuff I'm coming across.

I picked up Don't Turn Back yesterday because I wanted something pleasant to read in the bath tub. I bought this book for $12 in Logan, UT. I love it.

Poems by Langston Hughes selected by Lee Bennett Hopkins, with incredible woodcuts by Ann Grifalconi. My copy was in the Rose Park Library for decades, so it smells like every book ever. Looking through this it is very tactile. Again, I love it.

You can borrow it, if you want. But you have to sign out for it. And you have to love it.

Don't be afraid to read these out loud (rol) when no one is around your cubicle...

The Negro Speaks of Rivers

I've known rivers:
I've known rivers ancient as the world and older than the
__flow of human blood in human veins.

My soul has grown deep like the rivers.

I bathed in the Euphrates when dawns were young.
I built my hut near the Congo and it lulled me to sleep.
I looked upon the Nile and raised the pyramids above it.
I heard the singing of the Mississippi when Abe Lincoln
__went down to New Orleans, and I've seen its muddy
__bosom turn all golden in the sunset.

I've known rivers:
Ancient, dusky rivers.

My soul has grown deep like the rivers.

This isn't one of my favorites from the book, but I had to pick another poem with a woodcut so you could see how great they are...

Troubled Woman

She stand
In the quiet darkness,
This troubled woman
Bowed by
Weariness and pain
Like an
Autumn flower
In the frozen rain,
Like a
Wind-blown autumn flower
That never lifts its head
Again.

Poem

I loved my friend.
He went away from me.
There is nothing more to say.
The poem ends,
Soft as it began--
I loved my friend.

Mother to Son

Well, son, I'll tell you :
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor---
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it kinder hard.
Don't you fall now---
for I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

1L--Interpretive Photo Essay

2008-04-30T20:51:00.005-06:00

So you want to go to law school? Sounds great.

LAW!

JUSTICE!

HONOR!

TRUTH!

You know there will be challenges. You know it will be costly. But just think of how much you'll get back on the other side, right?

You'd be a fool not to go to law school. Just like you'd be a fool not to get five chili cheese dogs for $5...

Just look. So much opportunity. So much promise. It's all ahead of you and the world is your oyster.

Hey, this is great! I'm a pretty big shot. Looks a little complicated, but I can handle this...

Dear heavens, that is a lot of chili dog... But it's still fun, right? Hey, I get to dress up today. I'm a regular Alley McBeal.

This is probably too much chili dog.

This is about where I really hit the wall. I began to question my faith. How could a loving supreme being allow this?... And should I die before this journey's through, happy day; all is well...

I finished. For now. But was it worth it?

Man, I really hate myself...

Fin.

Theft

2008-04-30T09:54:00.002-06:00

I wanted to post a dramatic photo essay that would be my artistic interpretation of law school. But I can't find my camera-to-computer cord. I'm guessing whoever stole it couldn't handle the raw truth of my art.

Or it could be somewhere in my filthy house.

Instead of posting, I'll go try to find that cord...

Witnesses

2008-04-26T12:14:00.004-06:00

Sorry. I am once again derelict. Finals again.

But in a show a good faith, I will share three observations:

1. Kids who speak Spanish are nth times cuter than kids who speak English.

2. The nice thing about getting married when you are older is that no one is going to decorate your car.

3. People who think they are free thinkers love quoting musicians.

Laws of Life

2008-04-21T12:12:00.003-06:00

I was reflecting the other day on some of the things I've learned from television and motion pictures.

These observations are scant, but I don't have the time for much else...

1. If your dad is in the military, he does not want you to be in a band. Also, being shipped off to "the academy" against your will is a constant threat.

2. Terrorists and Russians have no defense against teens with firearm/computer training.

3. People in New York constantly honk their horns just for the sake of honking their horns--even right outside of the Law and Order courtroom.

Tax Law

2008-04-17T16:28:00.005-06:00

Tax Day has come and gone. Taxes? Am I right?

Don't get me started...

If I knew anything about tax law, I could probably get a job. Fact of the matter is I'm not too clear on tax law or any other "___________ law," but I do know quite a bit about the history of the IRS.

It all starts with this man.

In an effort to thwart the Nazi's, the Allied Forces poured millions and millions of dollars into defense technology. Among their many achievements wast the Mobile Tactical Defense Unit, or "Mt. Du" as it was secretly known.

Only three were built. The first two were dropped over Japan, and the last one was stored in the Nevada Desert. Scarcity breads demand, and the price for the remaining Mt. Du sky-rocketed.

The richest men in the world gathered for bidding.

Roosevelt had recently spent all his money on new spinners and was, in his own words, "totally tapped."

He asked his father, a plate of Teddy Roosevelt, for a forward on his allowance, but was denied.

If Roosevelt did not get his air trampoline, he knew it would fall into the hands of the Russians.

The only solution? An income tax.

And the IRS was born.

Laws of Physics

2008-04-15T10:32:00.006-06:00

The nice thing about suspenders is they keep your pants from falling down and your shirt from flying up.

You wish, belt.

Happy tax day.

Dispute Resolution

2008-04-14T10:03:00.003-06:00

As a good friend commented, "[I] suck at blogging lately."

It's true. I am without defense. I tried taking law school seriously for a semester... I'm not sure that I learned anymore, and I feel more petty, jealous, and discontent.

So today I give a peace offering--my notice to the world that I suck at blogging and at being a law student, but maybe a day will come when we can all still somehow get along.

Hasten the day...

Still Finals

2007-12-10T10:50:00.001-07:00

Posting will resume sometime shortly after December 17, 2007.

Until then...

ANIMAL WEDDINGS!!!

More Finals.

2007-12-04T09:34:00.003-07:00

Two more weeks of finals. Bear with with me...

And now, Animals in Hats!

Silly cats, a transition state is formed at the potential energy maximum, not in a saucer of milk!
(See: )

This Santa is a Merry Chimp-must!

Shut up.

More gruel, please?

Boo!

Criminal Law

2007-11-29T12:26:00.000-07:00

Long story short: someone tried to take out my friend Bryton last weekend. I suspect East Coast Rappers.

This is for you, B-Sam...

Neva die.

International Trademark Law

2007-11-29T11:18:00.000-07:00

I met these bears in Canada. I don't know that J.K. Rowling has a strong case, but I think the estate of Bob Kane should give the bear on the bottom the old cease and desist...

3 Unlikely Successful Defenses:

2007-11-27T11:45:00.000-07:00

3. "Your Honor, I was bushed..."

2. Flashing Mentos (the fresh maker).

1. Opposite Day.

5 Sexiest Supreme Court Justices 2007

2007-11-26T11:36:00.000-07:00

After hours of drinking, laughing, and heated debate in the committee room, SOLB has made our selections for the 2007 sexiest Supreme Court Justices.

#5. Anthony McLeod Kennedy

Kennedy said he was happy to swing into the 5-4 group of sexiest Justices. He describes himself as a flirt who likes to "frustrates some constitutional law scholars by often forgoing conventional methods of explaining my holdings and instead relying on vivid prose and unusual philosophy." Political conservatives have criticized him for regularly referring to European law, "but that's just how I roll," explains Kennedy. "Besides, the ladies love it when I get all European on those holdings."

#4. John Paul Stevens.

Some people think Gerald Ford was a do-nothing president, but teen girls are not likely to be among them. Stevens, the longest sitting Justice, was appoint by Ford in 1975.

"The bow-tie does seem to drive women wild," sheepishly admits Stevens. "And I like to give the ladies what they like in conservative moderation."

#3. Clarence Thomas

This bad boy of the court has faced some rough allegations. It wouldn't be fair for us to speculate, but let's just say if the crime is being sexy, the verdict is guilty as charged (8-1, with Scalia dissenting because "sexy" is never mentioned in the Constitution).

#2. Ruth Joan Bader Ginsberg

Don't dismiss her because of her demure appearance. "I'm bader than most people would think," says Justice Ginsberg. When pressed to explain the "what," "when," and "how" of her wild side, she would only reply, "Were I to rehearse here what I would say and how I would reason on such questions, I would act injudiciously".

#1. John Glover Roberts Jr.

It's no wonder how this boy wonder made Chief Justice so quickly. "He has a smile that won't quite for days," admitted George W. Bush. This former steel man and football captain also managed to graduate magna cum laud.

At 52 years young, there might be a conservative lock on the sexiest Justice for some time to come.

(Honorable Honorable Mention: David Hackett Souter, who would've beat out Kennedy if his "elfiness" was taken down a notch.)

Liable

2007-11-26T10:03:00.000-07:00

I finally got my hands on a copy of People. As it turns out, somehow, without explanation or rationalization, I have been left off the list of "50 Sexiest Men" again.

Come on!

Aint I rough enough? Aint I tough enough?

Next year...

Finals

2007-11-19T09:43:00.000-07:00

The name "finals," when used to describe an end of semester test, in law school is generally misleading. Case in point: this semester I have five classes and in each of those classes 100% of my grade is my score on the "final." So the final is also the original, and the only.

The point is, I'm busy.

Maybe I'll write more after Turkey (the meat, not the country where this great poster came from).

LSAT

2007-11-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

So you are getting ready to go to law school and have been beating yourself to death over the head with the LSAT? Don't you know this is just what LSAC wants?

Don't let them break you.

Follow my advice instead...

You could study for the LSAT two hours everyday and four hours on Saturday, or you could use some of that time to go out and find the mother-of-all-power-suits:

And maybe consider always having an American flag behind you...

Hey Dean of Admissions, just try and deny these ladies.

For the gentleman a suit just isn't going to be enough. Car dealers wear suits. You're going to have to go above and beyond. Consider the proper shock and aw value of the briefcase:

Of course the briefcase is only as impressive as the jaw line you have to go with it. Weak jaw line? Weak briefcase shock and aw:

Whether law school, a party, or at home, nobody wants that guy around. Mr. Weak Chin, why not kick it up a bit? Here is a guy any law school would accept without reservation:

Even with a 145 LSAT score, just try and tell this guy he doesn't have a place in your college...

This happy little Eskimo has seventeen different words for "Admitted!"

Finally, in all your letters, interviews, and conversations be sure to mention how incredibly noble the law is as many times as is possible. Also, mix in as many Latin phrases as a you can.

It's ok if the Latin phrases don't make sense. It's a 1,500 year old dead language. Unless your dean of admissions is Amilius Papinianus or John Adams, they won't have any idea what you're saying anyway. But to them the nobility of the law and Latin phrases go hand in hand--both things far better and above the common man, even if no one really knows how, why, or for what purpose.

Legal Advise

2007-11-12T14:27:00.001-07:00

I recently bought a Sunbeam electric blanket. I've waited about a week before writing about it to avoid any hasty judgments. But now I'm reasonably sure that this is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I finally found me soul mate.

Before I met you, Sunbeam electric blanky, I was sad and lonely. I had nothing to live for but the sweet, sweet hope that someday someone like you might come along...

Now that I have you in my life, the world will never be the same...

Ah, blanket, how you say?... I love you.

(Results may vary. )

Classic Case--Marbury v. Madison

2007-11-09T13:44:00.000-07:00

There are certain cases that transcend the legal community--Roe v. Wade, Arizona v. Miranda, etc. You've heard people talk about them on the political talk shoes and the Law and Order, Law and Order SVU, Law and Order DDS, etc.

But what do you really know about these cases and their impact on greater society?

Sit back and get ready to learn everything you need to know about Marbury v. Madison.

This case is so widely noted and cited because it set several precedents. It is widely discussed how this case set the paradigm for Supreme Court review of the actions of the Legislative and Exucutive branches, but this case also gave the legal world many other "firsts."

For instance, consider the role of Shauna Marbury.

In her testimony to The Court, Shaunna was the first person to ever use the phrase "My baby's Daddy" in front of a Justice. Thus a fine and proud legal tradition continues, radiating down from the Highest Court of the Land, all the way to Judge Brown.

Also, while questioning counsel for Marbury, counsel for Madison interjected, "Ah, but William Marbury is a Freemason and of low moral fiber!"

Justice Marshall, who is the great grandfather of Judge Judy, responded with another courtroom first: "Oh no you dian't! You did not just inturrupt me! Oh, please tell me you did not just interrupt me! Don't you talk when I'm talkin. When I want you to talk I will tell you to talk." (Justices Cushing and Moore descented on grounds that "dian't" wasn't a word.)

The Law of Moses

2007-11-08T11:33:00.000-07:00

The Law is noble and serious. That's what deans and faculty like to remind you about all the time.

In that spirit, I offer something a little more serious.

For those of you whose ethos is rooted in the Judeo-Christian tradition, I hope you might find the following as interesting and insightful as I did.

With sound reason the last commandment of the ten forbids envy or coveting. All my labor to keep the others will be undone if beneath my observance I maintain a hidden longing to break them and to be like those who ignore them. There is a sense in which all temptation begins with coveting. I want what another has of what I imagine that I could have. Aloud I may call it worthless, but secretly I want it. Then my conscience reproves me. If I listen and turn my attention away and back to my true task, all will be well. But what if I permit my attention to remain fastened on the forbidden thing? Conscience continues to speak and I continue to crave. In such a condition I begin to doubt my own sincerity. I am led to wonder about the reality of my commitments. Then I wonder about the reality of other people's commitments. Are the voices right that call the religious mere hypocrites?

My hesitations increase my perplexity. No longer pressing forward toward the goal, I allow myself to rehearse over and over again the difficulties of my indecision. I may still resist complete abandonment of my quest; I do not wish to succumb to temptation. But my motive is different. No longer do I refuse temptation because my interest is directed to something else, because I am actively seeking another goal. My mind is now turned inward on itself.

I refuse now self-consciously out of a kind of pride. I refuse because I think myself "above" such a thing. Like the fox who calls the grapes he cannot reach sour, I condemn what tempts me and those whose behavior fascinates me. I find that I covet less when I assume the judgment seat. The craving is appeased not by the pleasure of satisfaction but by the pleasure of condemnation. I am not holy, I admit, but surely I am holier than they.

As I am holier, I ought to be happier. Why then are they so happy while I am not? After all, I am (or was) a pilgrim seeking the holy land while they are scoffers and sinners. Why should their lot be better than mine? They appear quite free from inner turmoil. Finally I allow my mind free rein: having forgotten to keep it fixed on my goal, I let it run headlong into a clash of envy and pride. The one fights the other, but both keep me from my task.

Confusion, resentment, and discouragement transform my mind into a heavy longing for rest. Brought to this point by the burdens of a commitment, I seek only to be rid of it. The words of the world ring in my ears: "If it feels good, do it." "Do your own thing." "Why fight it?" "You deserve everything you can get." "All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me." (Matthew 4:9.) But before I lay down and turn away, another voice speaks. "Wherein have I wearied thee? testify against me." (Micah 6:3.)

The voice offers no arguments and no defense. It challenges me to speak; it tells me to present my case. As I try to formulate a complaint, the incoherent monologue of my rambling consciousness ceases. The muddled and indulgent thoughts are burned away like morning mist. The pleasure of accusation and the pride of superiority have vanished. The unrelenting envy is gone. My mind is clear.

The Holy One waits, and the silence seems to repeat his question. Then I understand that I have no answer to give. The silence speaks for me too. All the pain, indignation, and perplexity have lost their substance. It is not that I fear to speak them or that I seek to hide them. They no longer exist. My inner conflict is over, and peace remains. No matter what the words, I see now that all my cries were but for him, and he is here. There is no question beyond his question and no answer beyond his presence. (Rasmussen, 1985. The Lord's Question, p. 69-71)

Counsel

2007-11-06T09:57:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been losing things. Been doing a lot of remodeling at the house. A lot of rearranging and cleaning. Lots of moving around, not much sleeping, and many items misplaced.

I've spent hours this past weekend and yesterday looking for lost possessions. My dogs never leave my side. Whenever I look for things they get excited and anxious because they think either (A) I'm packing and going to be leaving for an unwelcome period of time, or (B) that I'm going to flush out a mouse or some kind of pest that they can pounce upon.

Looking under couches, behind boxes, and in laundry baskets for hours. Dogs constantly under my feet staring at me. More looking. More staring. Generally no results.

I've started to get frustrated with my dogs. Aren't they supposed to be able to smell an ounce of gasoline in a burned down house? If they can find a pot leaf hidden in the spare tire in my trunk, shouldn't they be able to find a cell phone charger under Dick Francis's sweaty workout clothes?

But they don't care about finding a cell phone charger or my civil procedure syllabus... unless...

I'm considering covering every useful, valuable, or highly losable item I own in bacon grease.

Then I bet those dogs wouldn't just sit and stare.

Halloween Briefs

2007-11-05T10:05:00.000-07:00

I don't have any box to stand on or axe to grind today; I just have a bunch of pictures I've been saving up taking space on my camera.

So today I give them to you, absent any theme or clever side story.

Sometimes your nieces carve pumpkins:

You'd prefer to have taken a picture with the nieces sitting next to their pumpkins, but you're a slacker and you have a hard time getting to your brother's house before 8:00 PM.

Also, sometimes your nieces decorate Halloween sugar cookies especially for you, but you eat them before you take a picture.

Other times you go out to eat at Gardner Village.

This room at Archibald's has a both dedicated to each of Archibald Gardiner's twelve wives. We sat in the Mary Ann booth.

"Twelve wives?!" you say, "Why that's clearly too many!" You might be right. It would be hard on the plumbing for sure. But think about it, you could make your own sexy calendar and never even covet another man's wife or lust after someone with whom you were not sanctified in the bonds of matrimony.

A fine wife. Good for house work, horse work, and a fine Ms. March...

For some reason, I'm generally attracted to really effeminate restaurants. At my first trip to Archibald's I noticed I was the only man dragging a girl along. I've had similar experiences at Food for Thought and Kneaders.

Anyway, if you don't want to sample the delicious fried green tomatoes, feel free to roam the grounds and enjoy many scrap booking stores and witch displays.

Ha! Ha! Delightful.

How droll!

Sassy Shopping Witch!

Ah, yes. Say hello to Hot Granny Witch.

Catching Witch!

Batting Witch! (She's unhappy because the catching witch just told her she had relations of an intimate nature with Batting Witch's husband.)

Pitching Witch!

Another freaking witch...

Oh, come on...

Too many witches around, too little will power.

I'll stop now, but, honestly, I have about three times as many more pictures of various witches.

Gardener village isn't the only place that likes to decorate for Halloween. Even the law school gets in the game.

These kids have such imaginations!

Where do they get their ideas?

Niche marketplaces and institutions of learning are one thing, but does the average White City resident still decorate for Halloween?

Spooktacular!

Nice try, Bonesy. You're not going anywhere!

As for me, I decorated my person for Halloween.

Higgins was so mad...

2007-10-31T11:23:00.000-06:00

Legal Advise

2007-10-30T09:40:00.003-06:00

Halloween is fast approaching us. Now I'm no expert, but I've enjoyed many a Halloween in my life and have given some considerable thought to the art of celebrating All Hallows Eve well.

Here is some advice:

1. Scrubs and scrubs alone is not an adequate costume.

Please show some respect for the rest of us. Boys, if you are going to be a doctor, wear scrubs if you'd like, but is it asking too much to through in a lab coat, a stethoscope, or one of those old-timey head bands with the round shiny deal?

Girls, if you want to be a nurse please consider involving a skirt and being button cute.

Don't think you can pull off button cute? Well, don't fret. Even the sub-cute girl can still be a nurse for Halloween. You'll just have to be a crazy nurse.

(As a side note, "Crazy _______," "Evil ________," "Mad ________," or Deranged _______" are all good costume ideas for the more homely of face.)

2. Joke costumes can be a hit, but like any comic device, they should be used sparingly and with great caution.

Wearing a "funny costume" to a party is like committing to retelling the same joke for three hours straight. If joke costume you must, make a joke the rest of us can live with for an evening.

Be creative. Express yourself. Have fun. But don't get too carried away, especially if you are attending a party where coworkers, esteemed peers, or women you are interested in courting are present.

3. Finally, and it bothers me that I even have to mention this, make sure you give out an appropriate trick in an appropriate way.

This is an area in Halloween where creativity is NOT encouraged. Just give out candy. And, unless you're really poor, try and steer away from those five pound bads full of awful gum and fake tootsie rolls.

But just making sure you give out something kids will want to eat isn't your only responsibility. Make sure you're not too creepy when you're giving it out.

For instance, this year I plan on being Magnum P.I. for Halloween. However, I've exercised discretion enough to know that wearing my shorty-short shorts and sporting a mustache while the neighborhood children all come to my door crosses a line.

In review, show some respect for the rest of us. Be safe. Have fun.

Concession

2007-10-30T09:40:00.001-06:00

You've won this round, Brandon Bird...

Negliegence

2007-10-26T14:26:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I didn't go to any school at all. Today I went to one class. It started at 1:15 and I was late because I slept in too long.

I've really been letting things slide lately.

I was going to make a post with pictures and events from my own life, but since I've been slacking so much I just don't have the time at present.

So instead I am going to steal someone else's work. Enjoy.

(Painting and drawing by Brandon Bird--www.brandonbird.com)

Ethics

2007-10-24T10:10:00.000-06:00

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap?

Before you answer hastily, "The bucket," please stop to consider that Abraham Lincoln was a lawyer.

Therefore, think carefully. Do you really want to defame the Great Emancipator?

Let's not let some bad apples spoil the whole bunch. After all, the law can be a noble profession.

Just listen to Honest Abe:

Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to them how the nominal winner is often a real loser -- in fees, expenses, and waste of time. As a peacemaker the lawyer has a superior opportunity of being a good man. There will still be business enough.

And of those who refuse to use their opportunity to be a good man? Abe has more advice:

Let no young man choosing the law for a calling for a moment yield to the popular belief -- resolve to be honest at all events; and if in your own judgment you cannot be an honest lawyer, resolve to be honest without being a lawyer.

So let's all give into the better angels of our nature. Don't be so quick to stereotype.

And let him who dares to defame the Great Emancipator beware!

Succeed at your own risk.

Civil Dispute

2007-10-22T09:49:00.000-06:00

HEAVYWEIGHT FIGHTER SUES VIDEO GAME CHARACTER

Reno, NV.--Early this morning boxer and mixed martial arts fighter Eric "Butterbean" Esch filled papers in 9th District Federal Court suing King Hippo for $10 million in damages. The 41 year-old fighter and former IBA, WAA, and NABC heavyweight champion of the world, claims his "likeness, character, identity, and image" were "unfairly stolen" without his consent or compensation.

Eric "Butterbean" Esch

"It's a straightforward case," said Larry Smelding, attorney for Butterbean. "Only a blind jury wouldn't find in favor of my client. If this guy thinks he can steal my client's identity and get away with it just because he is royalty, then he is about to get a wake up call."

King Hippo, from Hippo Island in the South Pacific, made his debut in professional boxing's Major Circuit in the 1987 video game Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! The animated character has a record of 18-9, with 18 wins coming by knock out, and is ranked #2 in his league.

When reached for comment King Hippo only replied, "Do you like my new trunks? They are size XXX Large! Ha Ha Ha!"

In a telephone interview granted against counsel's advice, Butterbean said he respects "what King Hippo does in the ring," but that the King "needs to make his own image, quit riding on [Butterbean's] coat tails, and stop giving away all my secrets."
King Hippo

It is about these "secrets" that the crux of the complaint lies.

Though Butterbean refused to elaborate on the specifics of these secrets only stating that they were of an extremely "embarrassing and damaging" nature, many professional boxing insiders believe that just like king Hippo, if you punch Butterbean in the mouth while he is yapping, it causes a reaction wherein his trunks fall down.

"I've never seen anything like it," said George Linberger, who stripped Butterbean of the NABC title in 2005. "When I fought [Butterbean] in 2000 he destroyed me. I never wanted to fight him again. Then I started playing Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! with a buddy. I noticed how King Hippo and Butterbean looked a lot alike, then my buddy showed me how if you hit King Hippo in the mouth, his pants fall down. When he goes to pull up his pants, you can hit him right in the gut again and again. Pretty soon, [King Hippo] just falls down. I started training again, jumping rope, sparing, and playing Nintendo. Sure enough, next time I got in the ring with Butterbean, [I] hit him right in the mouth, his pants fell down, and next thing I know they're given me the NABC belt."

But boxing insiders aren't the only ones who find the this lawsuit interesting.

"There is a real legal question here," said Sally Haskins, a professor teaching Civil Procedure at UNLV. "To date no one has really satisfied the issue of whether or not you can sue a video game character." Asked if she thought Butterbean had a chance of winning his case Ms. Haskins replied, "Oh, heavens no! But it's an interesting idea."

Larry Smelding explained the decision to file against King Hippo himself and not against Nintendo, a multinational corporation with over $7.8 billion in revenue in 2006, as something his client "felt adamant about."

"It just makes sense," Butterbean said in his interview. "For one thing King Hippo is a king. He's probably got a real nice palace, like a gold crown, some jewels, and stuff. I win against Nintendo and what are they gonna give me? Video games? I don't want video games. I want chests full of gold."

The aging fighter went on to further explain his decision: "Besides, I don't even look nothing like a Nintendo. What am I going to do? Sue a little plastic box for stealing my identity?"

Executives for Nintendo refused to comment on this story, but wanted to ensure loyal and perspective customers that regardless of any pending litigation against one of the company's characters, "Nintendo will continue to provide premium fun-time for honored consumer group."

(Disclaimer: this is a fictional story.)

Brief Recess

2007-10-17T09:06:00.000-06:00

I have a professor, lets call him Stephen King, that has an amazing proclivity for two things: sexual harassment and giving law school advice.

I enjoy both, though I've never taken either very serious or been a direct target for one or the other.

You want examples? I'll give you examples.

Example A: Sexual Harassment

While introducing the teaching assistants to the course he had a number of them step forward--mostly women. He then pointed out that these were the teaching assistants good looking enough to have sex with, but if we felt so inclined, we should keep it a secret or wait until after the semester is over.

Example B: Giving Advice

Professor King to class: You have a weekend coming up. I know a lot of you are going to be tempted to spend it with your noses in a book, but let me remind you that law school is a marathon, not a sprint. Go out this weekend. Get drunk Friday and Saturday night. Pick up some girl at a bar and have all the sex you want.

I'm no party animal. I'm not even a party virus or vegetable. I've never known the pleasures of woman or drink. But does that mean I don't crave adventure?...

Please.

As you can clearly see I'm am up for adventures of all sorts of ethnicities.

It was a cold and rainy night. Our journey was long and the way was fraught with signs of danger.

We became lost deep in the Mayan tomb. Our resident Geologist tries to reconnoiter our surroundings. Elin stays optimistic, but she does not know that seven Mayan ghosts wait around the corner to scaled her with boiling hot water.

Just when all seems lost we finally reach the South Passage.

A frightened and confused waiter takes our order. My flash photography seems to strike fear into his heart, and he bows in my presence for the rest of the evening. And yet the laser light show I later witnessed did not seem to phase him at all. They are a mysterious people.

The kitchen runs out of mix for strawberry daiquiris. Before a mêlée erupts our waiter, Pacumeni, makes an announcement and tries establishes order.

Sadly, despite Pacumeni's best attempts, things deteriorated very quickly. We gave the staff small pox. They gave us indigestion.

The adventure sat like a brick in my stomach for days. I may yet bear the scars.

P.S. Speaking of scars, my fingers are healing nicely.

Exhibit A

2007-10-15T11:43:00.000-06:00

It would seem, Mr. Clemens, a.k.a. Mr. Twain, that the reports of your death were not so exaggerated after all...

Fall Break

2007-10-09T21:31:00.000-06:00

Shhhh!

October 8, 2007 to October 12, 2007.

Environmental Law

2007-10-05T13:03:00.000-06:00

We all love the environment, right?

I consider myself close to nature. I can talk to dogs, horses, goats, and smarter cattle. I've run naked with a heard of wild dear and availed myself of many a body of water. I've completed long hikes barefoot, sucked water out of a cactus, and gone weeks without a shower. I didn't even water my "lawn" once this summer.

Sure, I like the environment.

But I don't know how I feel about this...

Ghosts of Law School's Past

2007-10-03T10:58:00.000-06:00

I have a good friend that I live with. Let's call him Dick Francis.

There are many things to love about Dick, but two things seem worth mentioning at this point.

1. Dick has a distinguished proclivity for being creepy.
2. Dick loves to fantasize about different phases of his life through the medium of clothing and outfits.

Case in point: Dick Being Creepy

Dick and I once spent a great halloween party duct-taped together, wearing the same pair of pants, posing as conjoined twins. We made a lot of people semi to really uncomfortable that night through the use of bad pick-up lines, aggressive dancing, and an incident where the bathroom door should have been locked. Dick got to creep out a fair amount of people and he loved it.

Case in point: Dick Fantasizing About Outfits

After graduation from college Dick and I were both going to take a year off before law school. We needed jobs. I learned of a teacher shortage and a loophole wherein some applicants could start teaching without certification. Dick and I decided we needed to be high school teachers. Dick was beside himself with the joy of imagining himself showing up to work everyday in a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches. It was some of the most sincere excitement I've ever seen surrounding a piece of clothing (and a piece of clothing not even purchased yet).

That was then. That was back in the glory days.

Dick still has those qualities, but fate was cruel to him.

We were both admitted to the same law school. We both accepted admission. Then a complete jerk (opinion), let's call him Dean Complete Jerk (opinion), kicked Dick out of the law school based on a technicality. Plain and simple it was a numbers issue. (When law schools say they don't care about numbers, they care about people, they mean they care about people with great numbers... also, they mean that they are total tools...)

So here I am at law school without Mr. Francis. I wish he was here.

I like to think that his ghost--the spirit of Dick that made it into law school--walks the halls here and appreciates the absurdly lawyerish outfits and the ghosts of creepy men passed by that also haunt these halls.

Regarding these other outfits and ghosts, I've taken some pictures of full-sized or larger oil portraits that hang here in the college of law. Enjoy. And happy haunting.

Dick would have loved these paintings. I hope he is here to love them next year.

Personal Injury

2007-10-01T09:49:00.000-06:00

I'm not sitting around in class all the time. I have a life. I have cool friends.

Case in point, two of my cool friend came over on Friday night to play darts and Super Nintendo.

These two friends--lets call them Tom Clancy and Michael Crichton--have had some epoch battles at my house. They reenacted the Civil War for three hours in my basement on one of the best nights of my life. They fought out many epic Tecmo Bowl battles. They have even engaged in archery in my back yard--a contest that may or may not have killed my neighbors dog. But this was the first night for darts.

Michael Crichton was doing just fine until Tom Clancy cast an evil spell on him.

Crichton's fate was not pretty. Poof! In the blink of an eye he was turned into this guy, riding public transportation alone.

Tom Clancy went on to win and become the household champion. You kind of have to feel bad for Crichton, but that's what you get for challenging a wizard to a parlor game.

Tom's spell wore off in a hour or two and despite a few near misses and at least a pints worth of horse play, no one was seriously or permanently hurt.

But my time out of class isn't all play...

Saturday morning it was time to work.

I've been meaning to landscape my yard and put in a lawn for approximately 10 months. Unfortunately there are just too many other things to do that are much easier. But to every man there comes a time when he must gird up his loins and go to work. I got an early start because a storm was coming in and I wanted to get as much done as possible before the sleet and rain. Also, it's worth pointing out that for the past six weeks I have simple not been able to sleep for more than 5-6 hours a night.

Before I show the next pictures, let's recap:
1. Playing darts and messing around with dudes until 2:30 AM.
2. Slept for 5.5 hours for the fortieth day in a row.
3. Up at 8:00 AM to use dangerous power equipment in the yard.
4. Storm is coming in.

Results?

It would seem I cut two of my fingers with a chainsaw. Not ideal.

As a student I have no medical insurance. So my first reaction is to "take care" of the problem myself the best I know how--clean the suckers out in the sink, wrap a clean t-shirt around the affected fingers as tight as I can, and then wrap that up in a hefty wad of medical tape. Problem solved.

I went back into the yard and kept working until about 11:30. My brother showed up to help right about the time I was finishing with the medical tape wad.

He's old. He has a job. He makes money at his job. After a discussion about whether or not we could sew the finger up ourselves, he took me to the hospital because he's nice.

But it gets better...

While we were waiting for the doctor to come back to the examination room, my brother was sitting in the chair closest to the door. Doctor confidently enters the room. Swings the door wide. Hits brother in the shoulder with door. Brother grabs shoulder and says, "Ow!"

"Hello, Tort. Fancy meeting you in a rich doctor's office."

What a good weekend. And I owe it all to my brother... no not just my brother... My Hero

Dog Eat Law

2007-09-26T09:43:00.000-06:00

Law school is a competitive place. Don't believe me? See for yourself:

"Subpoena this, honkey! I'll never let you join the Minority Law Caucus!"

" **gasp** You've sold out, **gasp** brother!"

Gentlemen, Gentlemen, Order!

How did this happen? To fully understand we have to go back to a basic economics and statistics.

This, in essence, is a resource battle. Law firms that read like phone books are willing to pay ridiculous first year salaries to a privileged few. At the other end of the spectrum you have the unprivileged few who will end up being Westlaw reps (if good looking) or public defenders (not good looking with body odor) and will bring in school teacher money.

In review:

If top of the class, then big firm in New York, resulting in $190,000 your first year.

If bottom of the class, then Puhlookaville public defender, resulting in $30,000 your first year.

So because there is such a variance in the rewards, winnowing devices must be implemented. The main such device is the bell curve.

The bell curve is so named for its inventor, the great Alexander Graham Bell, who was the first attorney to invent a rhyming catchphrase:

This isn't your five-year-olds birthday party. This isn't the Special Olympics. Not everyone is going to win. Someone is going to lose. Most people are going to finish in the middle. And only this jerk is going to win:

The end result? Nobody wins.

Who's subpoenaing whom now?

Contracts

2007-09-20T11:45:00.000-06:00

If you do a google image search for "contracts" you won't find anything too great--stock photos, some forms, and a few unfunny cartoons.

That's probably a decent representation of Contract Law as a whole. It's at least good as this representation:

Now imagine that diagram turned into an 75 minute lecture. Right before lunch. About an hour after you just drank 24 oz of water.

Welcome to Contracts Country. Population: Suckers.