Friday, May 23, 2008

Space Law

Back in the day I went to this:



It was a good banquet as far as law events go. I'm still slightly stunned and worried that the whole affair counted as continuing legal education, but why look a gift horse in the mouth? (I've looked all kinds of horses in the mouth, and the best thing you are likely to find is bits of apple.)

The distinguish guest covered many points of law. For instance, he touched on the controversial legal issue of how hard to you have to throw a baby at a nanny's breast to constitute sexual harassment (depends on the social utility of throwing the child compared to the damage done to the breasts--also, in some states it matters whether the throw was under or over handed).

Somewhere in the middle of the address, Mr. Bernsen touched upon the topic of space law. Law in space? Can you even imagine? Space is the new Old West. A place where the six-shooter would rule, if there was enough air to facilitate a gunpowder reaction. (Now you can see why lazers play so heavily in the future.)

Space law is a blank canvass, but here is the only rule you really need to know: Space is cold, lonely, and will break your heart.



Here we have a young, brash engineer (IT) with nothing to lose. Though incredibly vast, space requires great precision.


Space is complicated, and if you want to make sense out of it all, you're going to need old newspapers, scissors, a metric/imperial ruler, explosives, and an interested Jack Russell Terrier.


And then the day cames. Zero-hour.


I'm a rocket man.



This rocket is America's greatest hope. It's the Grizzler. Majestic and proud.



This rocket has an understated, noble kind of pride. It was named Martin Luther King Blvd.




MLK Blvd sits eager upon the launch pad.



If you want to launch a rocket, you're going to need a good electron beam and many AA-batteries.



Both the Grizzler and MLK Blvd violently, powerfully, sleekly, clawed their way into space, slapping earth's gravity, mocking fate.




However neither rocket was recovered. $40, a few hours, and two hearts never to return from space's icy clutch.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Pre-Nup

"...Oh yes, Bachelor #1, that does sound like a delicious ice cream Sunday." *Giggle* *Giggle*





"Bachelor #2, now think very carefully about this; if you had to describe yourself in one word, what would that word be?"


"Um... I, uh... Ugh..."





"Incredible?"

Notes

Allow me to be a little self-indulgent here.

Who doesn't love and enjoy John Mayer, right?


I think that might be my favorite thing I ever wrote on SOLB. I just think it's such an absurd assumed premise, and yet I'm sure there are many people who really feel that way. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to slam Mr. Mayer. He might be a great musician. I actually have no idea. But who would assume that everyone loves and enjoys his music?

It's nuts. And yet there are a few kids all around us --kids that blend in with all the rest of us-- who totally buy into it. Nuts.

I also have no idea why I thought of the premise of changing the name of the song, but I can't really think of anything more unflattering to have your body compared to than the Exxon Valdez, and particularly the Exxon Valdez disaster. (Tragic.) Except maybe for Flint, Michigan--that might be a worse to have your body compared to.

I also thought of the alternate title "Your Body Really Pleases the Furor."

I guess something about "wonder" really just makes me think of Nazis.

Sorry. Back to the blog.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Copyright

Who doesn't love and enjoy John Mayer, right?





But here is something about the singer/heart-throb you might have never guess. His original title for the hit song, "Your Body is a Wonderland" was actually "Your Body is an Exxon Valdez."





True story.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Futures

When I was a kid I thought cinematic visions of the future were exciting and I loved them. Flying cars. Hover-boards. Jet-packs. Ray-guns. Teleportation. I couldn't wait. It would honestly make me anxious--like on Christmas night, I would wish I could just fall asleep to get to the good stuff.










Now I think cinematic visions of the future are telling and silly, but I still love them. Flying cars? Hover-boards? Jet-packs? Ray-guns? The future seems really dangerous and if anything we are steadily moving towards a very safe and idiot-proof world, with soft rounded corners, better seat-belts, and helmets and pads.








Why do I bring this up? Because I realized the other day at the gym that there is a really common, plain thing in our lives that if people from 50 years ago could see they would think we were nearly an alien race--mad with technology.

Ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention to the best proof that the future is now. I give you the exercise ball:








There is no way that any of us saw this coming down the pipe. What a time to be alive...

Friday, May 16, 2008

Law of Averages

The other day I was in a break room with the whole office staff at my firm. We were eating birthday pie.

I noticed I was the only guy in the room with any facial hair. I don't think there are a lot of bearded attorneys.

Case in point: If you do a google image search for "attorney beard" it will first ask if you meant "attorney board," before going on to provide you with lots of clean-faced attorneys with the last name "Beard." Like this guy...





Classifications intrigue me. I found the other day that I like reversing Jeff Foxworthy's premise to make a kind of anti-humor--jokes that are funny to me precisely because they aren't really funny.

Without further ado:

You are unlikely to be a redneck if...

1. You work in high finance.
2. You are the Editor-in-Chief of Yale Law Review.
3. You have an expansive and well diversified portfolio.

It goes on endlessly, but it never really gets any better. Back to work.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Bum Law

Just some thoughts about bums...

This morning on the way to work I passed a bum who had way better hair than me. The whole shabby chic movement has really helped bum-style. He was also wearing the same blue canvas shoes that I've been so fond of wearing this summer. Freaking bums...





Next, since I started law school two things have happened: I have way less money, and I have to wear a suit and tie more often. I've worked downtown before. I once worked next to Temple Square, which is bum Mecca in Salt Lake City. People have been panhandling me for years and it's always gone a little like this--

Bum: Hey, can you spare any change?

Me: Sorry, man, I don't have any. (Pretty true, I seldom carry cash.)

Bum: Thanks, man. God bless.


Now it goes a little something like this--

Bum: Hey, can you spare any change?

Me in a suit and tie: Sorry, man, I don't have any. (More true now than ever--I neither have cash nor un-maxed credit.)

Bum: @%$! you.


A couple times I have thought about taking the bums aside and explaining my finances to them, but I don't think most of them would believe that they have way more money than I. It's true that I can get ridiculous amounts for school loans, but I bet I still eat more fire-warmed food and cans of beans than any of these guys. Freaking bums...

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Rule Violation

Holy crap! Did any of you notice that the little Mario below has fire power? I'm pretty sure this was covered in St. John's Revelation...

Legal Internship

Leaving your first year of law school for the arms of an internship feels a lot like this:



Seven more castles and a flying fish board left to go...

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Summer Reading--The Bard

Once I went to upstate New York.

See:



(Told you so.)

There is a great little bookstore in Palmyra right next to an awful little bookstore. The awful little bookstore is called Latter-day Harvest. It specializes in obnoxious LDS kitsch that would make old Moroni embarrassed to blow his trumpet.



(Told you so.)

But the store right next to it is a real nice store. I decided no matter what I was going to buy a book there just to spite the awful store next door.

I didn't have a lot of time, so I just got a generic English Literature book. It was $6. It is a beautiful maroon, textured hardcover. And it smells like most books ever.

I'm currently half-way through Macbeth. These quotes might not all make sense. I'm taking some of them out of the meter. But it's still poetic and charming as all get out.

Here are snippets for you:

(SPOILER WARNING)

Macbeth and Banquo are talking about how the witches accurately foretold Macbeth being named Thane of Cawdor.

Banquo... But 'tis strange.
And oftentimes to win us to our harm,
The instruments of darkness tell us truths,
Win us with honest trifles, to betray's
In deepest consequence.

After Duncan has been stabbed, Lady Macbeth tells Macbeth he needs to go back into the king's room and smear blood on the king's servants while they sleep...

Macbeth... I'll go no more.
I am afraid to think what I have done;
Look on't again I dare not.

Lady Macbeth... Infirm of purpose!
Give me the daggers. The sleeping and the dead
Are but as pictures; 'tis the eye of childhood
That fears a painted devil. If he do bleed,
I'll gild the faces of the grooms withal;
For it must seem their guilt

[Queen Exits. Knocking within.]

Macbeth... Whence is that knocking?
How is't with me, when every noise appals me?
What hands are here? Ha! they pluck out mine eyes.
Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood
Clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather
The multitudinous seas incarnadine,
Making the green, one red.

[Queen enters. More dialogue.]

Macbeth. To know my deed, 't were best not know myself.


Not bad, right?

Monday, May 5, 2008

Summer Reading---Langston Hughes

I'm not really doing law school stuff right now. But I am still reading a lot. If you'll pardon me, I'm just going to post the best stuff I'm coming across.

I picked up Don't Turn Back yesterday because I wanted something pleasant to read in the bath tub. I bought this book for $12 in Logan, UT. I love it.

Poems by Langston Hughes selected by Lee Bennett Hopkins, with incredible woodcuts by Ann Grifalconi. My copy was in the Rose Park Library for decades, so it smells like every book ever. Looking through this it is very tactile. Again, I love it.

You can borrow it, if you want. But you have to sign out for it. And you have to love it.


Don't be afraid to read these out loud (rol) when no one is around your cubicle...


The Negro Speaks of Rivers

I've known rivers:
I've known rivers ancient as the world and older than the
__flow of human blood in human veins.

My soul has grown deep like the rivers.

I bathed in the Euphrates when dawns were young.
I built my hut near the Congo and it lulled me to sleep.
I looked upon the Nile and raised the pyramids above it.
I heard the singing of the Mississippi when Abe Lincoln
__went down to New Orleans, and I've seen its muddy
__bosom turn all golden in the sunset.

I've known rivers:
Ancient, dusky rivers.

My soul has grown deep like the rivers.




This isn't one of my favorites from the book, but I had to pick another poem with a woodcut so you could see how great they are...


Troubled Woman

She stand
In the quiet darkness,
This troubled woman
Bowed by
Weariness and pain
Like an
Autumn flower
In the frozen rain,
Like a
Wind-blown autumn flower
That never lifts its head
Again.




Poem


I loved my friend.
He went away from me.
There is nothing more to say.
The poem ends,
Soft as it began--
I loved my friend.


Mother to Son

Well, son, I'll tell you :
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor---
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it kinder hard.
Don't you fall now---
for I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.